JADE EAST

Just bought a big bottle of Jade East cologne. Yeah, I know, it's stinky and kinda juvenile. But it's been one constant in my life since I was a kid, so sue me.

About the time we discovered deodorant--might have been 13 or 14 or thereabouts--because we first discovered chicks didn't like guys who stink, we also discovered the wonderful world of scent. As in cologne and aftershave.

Guys who were a bit older than us and much more sophisticated--penny loafers, corduroy sport coats with leather elbow patches--wore English Leather. Guess they figured it was made them seem older and higher class and let people know without having to say a word that they were not like us.

We thought we were pretty hip, too, so we weren't about to wear the old man's Aqua Velva or Old Spice. Some guys did, but that was because they just didn't get it.

I just looked it up, so I know Jade East came on the scene in 1964. Not long afterward, Hai Karate made its debut and it became a huge seller because of its clever marketing scheme. Although done tongue in cheek, the ads for Hai Karate told you it made women go nuts. The tagline was "Be careful how you use it" and each bottle came with a self-defense booklet to teach you how to fend the crazed women off.

Well, being the callow fellows we were, we bought the pitch hook, line and sinker. We didn't know from tongue in cheek. Frankly, we didn't know from nothing. And of course we were of the philosophy that if a little was good, a lot must be great. The clouds of aroma wafting from our team bus on the way home from an away basketball game were enough to set off air quality alerts. We slathered the shit on like sun tan lotion at the beach.

They say the sense of smell is the strongest and most evocative of all our senses and I would agree. Whenever I get a whiff of creosote from a telephone pole I'm immediately 12 years old and walking on the boardwalk in Ocean City, Maryland. The connection is so fast it's almost scary. Same thing happens with the scent of Jade East. I'm 14 years old and on the JV basketball team at North Carroll High School in Greenmount, Maryland. Keith Murray is driving us home in his brother's '57 Chevy and we're all the cat's ass.

It's interesting that Jade East has been in continuous production since 1964. Hai Karate had a good run in the 60's and 70's, but it went away in the 80's and just now made a comeback. Best I can tell, it's available only one place: The Vermont Country Store. And it's $46 for a 3.4 oz. bottle, which makes that particular memory a rather expensive one. Think I'll pass.